If it had to be, then I had to do it.
It forced me. It made itself to be. Of course, I did it.
If there was no other way, then this was the best way.
It had to be. Nothing else would do. Of course.
Things happen. All things happen. This one thing happens.
Of course, it does. Of course, and why not me? Of course.
Along the course, as strayed or straight as I was able,
To what have I been stable?
There are dreams of mine buried in the garden.
There are bodies where my soul has left a scar.
This sentence is compulsory.
This room is high-walled.
This job is barbed wire.
I will not leave solitary to join you, no matter how in front of me you are.
I have been evil.
Of course, you don’t understand, of course.
I have hurt people in real ways
And worn many faces
And cultivated networks of hate
And nurtured intimate tastes for murder
And procured a talent for arrogance
And manipulated, lusted, cheated, stole.
Of course, you did not read my name printed clearly on the label,
“I am evil.” Of course!
Prejudiced. Belittling. Opportunistic. Vile.
Drunken, unrestrained, spectral and demonic.
Vicious in loneliness. Vengeful in resentment.
But it had to be, of course, and so it was.
So now a blue sky fractures;
Now a kiss debilitates;
And now I fail to fathom the function of a pardon
And whether I’d accept the terms
And if they’d be accepted by the jury.
Of course.
An enemy of life, including mine.
Of course.
Happy, peaceful, playful, passionate,
Poisoning, pretending,
Preaching grace
And acting on a broken, selfish will.
Of course.
Addicted, wild, purposefully dangerous.
Friendly, hopeful, rebelliously elate.
Defiantly at joyful war with my proactive deterioration and losing.
Of course.
But not today, and maybe not tomorrow.
Today, I am someone who had to have been evil once, of course,
Because I was, of course.
April 28th, 2019
The Favoring Wind 